Good age-old wisdom says - Forgive and Forget. The consequence is release, relief and peace.
Is it wrong if I can't forget even though I forgive.
Is it wrong if I can't forgive but forget mostly and just once in a while I remember.
Sometimes we preach what we ourselves find hard to practise. We're not saints, takes a while but we probably are able to in the long run - forgive but not really forget.
Children do not have this concept of forgive and forget. They just forget mostly and the wrong-doer rarely remembers the wrong to bother his conscience. And if they do suffer from anothers' actions, it's not about forgiving but just moving on whether they get an apology or not. Their experiences with wrong and right are (supposedly mostly) simpler.
While this piece of wisdom is meant to help unload baggage, we (adults) use it in another way too, though we may not realise it. To us, this right to withhold forgiveness is like our special power; it somehow gives us a vindictive hold over the person who has hurt us (it'll be on his conscience); it acts as a sort of coping mechanism for our anger in the short run (it helps us control the need to lash out). We rationalise it. In the long run it becomes baggage.
But what of a child - who is not capable of this rationale nor grasp the concepts of forgiveness or conscience or guilt, what does he do when he is so troubled by someone and not able to forget or move on? Either lash out at the one who hurt them or at the ones around them.
It's quite difficult to explain to them about forgiveness - seems incomprehensible, illogical. So how do we help them cope? Adults can handle some baggage, but I don't think a child should have any. If they cannot confront the wrong-doer, the only solution seems to be let them lash out and then address the actions or comments as they unfold.
My earlier post Emotions on the subject was about similar questions, I think the question buzzing in my head is, how to teach a child not to hate (even if he's justified).
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Or, alternatively, they can learn to divert their anger. The best example I have of this is my two youngest sons. The older was an extreme introvert, the younger an extreme extrovert. The older was highly gifted, the younger mentally challenged. They were two years apart in age and ten years apart in school (the older began first grade at age 3 and skipped two more grades along the way; the younger began first grade at the 9, having a state waiver to remain out of kindergarten until potty trained -- and that took a long time.) Anyway, the older occasionally had to babysit the younger, who drive him nuts. I returned home one day to find a pot with a broken handle in the sink. I asked the older what had happened, and he explained in the succinct way of an introvert that needs no further explanation: "Better the pot than Doah's head!"
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to teach. Today, I needed your post and i normally forgive with ease. Thanks for your reminder. GOD certainly used you this day.
ReplyDeleteBlessings, andrea
I feel that the only way to deal with such problems that arise with childeren is to instill peace and tolerance but not acceptance. One cannot accept the wrongful doings of another but they can come to peace with it.
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies for the advise and comments, it's tough when the things to do and the things we can do just cannot align.. shall persevere.
ReplyDeleteI am struggling with teaching my son (grandson in the process of us adopting) to forgive. His Mothers boyfriend sexually, verbally, emotionally and physically abused him, Mom failed to even attempt to protect him. His younger brother (also being adopted) was not abused in this manner. They were homeless and Mom and Boyfriend spent the kids SSI checks, AND the foodstamps on meth.
ReplyDeleteOne day the sherrif came to my door looking for them. The boyfriend had been reported by his sister as having burnt Nick with a cigarette.
I went on a hunt for them. After hours of driving the streets, checking out parks, etc, I found them, and asked my daughter if the boys could stay with me for a few days.
The oldest was a mess, scratched, bruised, boots full of soda that had been poured over his head that morning, groin a mash of blood and not much skin left, he had been walked around with his underwear soaked in soda, and that sticky mess tore him up. He had had surgery to pin his testicles in his scrotum just weeks before, and there is now no skin on his scrotum!
I took the boys, called the deputy, and he returned and checked the boys out, was upset that I had bathed them, and asked me to keep them. 8 hours later we were leaving the emergency room where the wounds were photographed and treated.
HOW do I ask this boy to forgive what was done to him? He testified in court (what a strong 6 year old to do that!) and the perp was acquitted because Mom also testified, in defense of boyfriend, and was convincing. Needless to say the jury did not get to hear that this man drowned his own 8 month child, and had served 8 years for homocide in that case, had a 20 year history of being either in jail or on probation for assault and a variety of drug charges, including selling meth to a 10 year old.
Mom gave the boys up rather than leave this man, further hurting this sweet little guy.
This little guy is still in trouble emotionally a year later, suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Ok, when something LITTLE happens, we discuss forgiveness. We are hoping that if we keep that up he will someday be able to let go of the anger and bitterness caused by the way he was treated by these people. In the meantime, he is getting all kinds of support just to keep him stable.
Maggie
Dear Maggie, my heart goes out to that little boy. How can anyone treat a child so horrendously, how can a mother stand by and not do anything, my God ! And that man got away with it inspite of his injuries - where is justice.
ReplyDeleteI pray that your grandson has strength to overcome his pain and suffering.
Honestly, I will never know if my sons will get over this phase, only time will tell if they can forgive and eventually not think about it. He is so young your grandson, I hope that and the goodness he sees around him now, helps him heal sooner. I wish you both well.